The simple answer is, you can’t. I’ve discovered that if you’re in love with the right person, it’s simply impossible to not love them anymore, believe me I’ve tried.
2 and a half years ago I fell in love, I didn’t mean to and I didn’t really want to either, but it’s not something that can be planned.
A year before I had been raped and it was a month before I was due to go to trial. I was fragile and in a very vulnerable state. I had gone out with a friend in an attempt to forget about my worries and try to have a good time, I’d done my hair and makeup and put on a nice outfit to help make me feel good.
We were dancing and generally acting silly when a small group of guys came over and started chatting, the night progressed and I was being spun round in circles and laughing my head off. It got towards the end of the night and I was a bit tipsy, my shoe broke and as the bar was closing I ended up on my bum on the floor. That’s when he came back and helped me up. That’s where it all began.
OK, not the most romantic of beginnings, but that night for whatever reason I felt I could open up to this man, he listened and didn’t judge me, I told him all about the rape and what was to come and he just seemed to get me.
We chatted for ages sitting on my bed, he wiped my tears and stroked my hair and before he left he wrote his number and email address in the back of my book, however I didn’t know this until the morning.
A few days later he was back and we were sober, but there was no awkwardness, we just seemed to click.
The next year and a half we just got closer, every time he came to see me, it was as if nothing else mattered, nothing else was needed apart from us to make those moments special.
Time went on and we were like a real couple, I was getting nice texts every morning when I woke up, we were going on day trips and exchanging gifts. You honestly could not have found a better partnership.
Due to complications though, it wasn’t to last.
I have never felt pain like it, whenever a relationship has ended before, I would go on a night out, have a dance, eat cake and move on and have some reason lined up as to why that relationship was bad. This time I had nothing, I was totally in love with someone I could not have but knowing that our relationship could not have been any more perfect having been given the chance.
In a second I had lost my best friend who I told everything to and trusted with my life, someone who made me feel attractive and special again after being raped, someone who I never thought would leave, because that’s what he had told me, I had been given the impression he wasn’t going anywhere.
For the first time I was allowing myself to open up and let someone in, someone who truly understood me, someone who was easy to be around and appeared to love me as much as I loved him.
But then I lost him and it was as if my heart had been ripped out and stamped on, to this day since it came to an end nearly a year ago, I still feel the same, I still feel just as empty and no amount of loving myself can make up for the fact that who I love I can’t have. I still hold out hope that one day things will change and I can have what I long for, but until then I have to be alone because no one will currently be able to take his place.