So this happened…….

I was hurt over and over and over by a series of men that have come and gone in my life, but then I found someone who appeared to be what I wanted.  Having been hurt so many times though I struggled to even go on a first date.  It took some convincing on his part over a couple of months, but we found we instantly connected and had a wonderful first date.

After a few dates I think it was pretty clear we were falling for each other, it felt wonderful.  One day imparticular he told me once he left that he wish he hadn’t and wanted to come back, but for some reason he felt like he had to go.  From that moment I could see him drifting away from me, the second he realised how much he cared, it seemed like he felt he wasn’t worthy of the love and pushed me away.

I felt angry, it had taken a lot for me to let down my barriers and he had been the one to make sure I let them down, I felt exposed.  It felt as though as soon as I was able to feel love again was the moment he chose to rip my heart out.

I tried my best to stick by him even though he was pushing me away, because he kept telling me he cared so I felt like there was something to save.  But there comes a point where you have to let go.

His depression had hit an all time low and there was nothing I could do to help.  Believe me I tried everything, I pushed my own emotions and feelings aside so I could help only to be pushed even further.  Til that was it, I was pushed too far, I had to protect myself and delete his number to stop me from contacting him, that was so hard.  I had a birthday gift for him which I contemplated leaving on his doorstep so he knew that I listened to every word he said and knew exactly what he liked.  But I decided against it, as I was scared of being rejected, as it seemed that everything I tried was followed by some kind of rejection.  

I couldn’t understand why we couldn’t just talk it out, if I’d have been told he hated me and didn’t care about me, it may have made it easier, but everything apart from his actual actions were telling me he wanted me but just couldn’t.  I was so confused.

I am beginning to understand depression more, as a result of this experience, in an attempt to understand him and help, I tried my best to learn what I could, to be sympathetic and not angry.

Depression appears to be a very selfish emotion, well at least that’s the impression it gives.  When someone sinks into their dark hole, nothing seems to matter but the way they are feeling, they are consumed by their own thoughts.  But I am not even sure they know what their own thoughts are, they are overwhelmed by everything, until that everything becomes nothing.  These thoughts must be so draining for the individual.  I should know as I have since been through these emotions myself, it’s a very dark place to be.

All that aside, even having been through it myself, it’s still a very complex subject to unravel, especially as every single persons way of getting to that point is a different story.

So I walked away thinking that was it, only to be contacted 6 months later, the conversation was normal, I was kind, assuming there must be some reason behind the contact, he must need me and although he didn’t tell me straight away, I was right, his grandfather had passed away.  Someone passing can bring out all kinds of emotions and make you want to reach out to those you care about.

He opened up, told me he missed me and was sorry and gave me the impression that he may want to start again.  Surely if someone contacts you after 6 months, tells you they miss you, surely they would have thought about what they want and wouldn’t have made contact til they know, as that would be selfish if not right? Guess what happened? Back to square one!

Commitment isn’t a scary thing for me, because what is it really? You meet someone you love and care about, enjoy time with, don’t want to leave but however they also respect your space, you want to do things for each other to make each other happy, support each other in any way you can, so surely if you feel all this it would not be scary to only be with that person, that’s not a trap or a life sentence, it’s a gift that you have luckily been given, that isn’t found very easily, so why let it go!? 

But for other people commitment is something someone can find hard, but I need to know why? I don’t understand, if it feels right? There is no commitment, it’s just easy!

So anyway once again we go our separate ways after I can’t even be told that he wants to stick around at that very second, so that tells me he doesn’t care enough to be faithful! And after a month or so of hearing nothing, I all of a sudden get a text, letting me know that for my sake he thought he should tell me he’s now just living round the corner from me, and he didn’t want it to be awkward if we should bump into each other! As if I’m drowning in tears because I’m not with him and may collapse in a heap of emotions if I saw him! This will not happen.

But yet since then he has still been on my mind and I’ve been wondering how to approach the subject.  One part of me tells me to run a mile, the other tells me to try.  Either way I’m done trying too hard, the energy has left my body and now someone else needs to try, I want someone to work for my affections for a change and have the guts to hang around when the going gets tough.  I want someone to be strong for me for a change and try hard to keep me and not let me go, surely I’m worth that?